


Over The Edge

by nanisorero (miriam_lee)



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-06 16:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19065934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miriam_lee/pseuds/nanisorero
Summary: That one heart-to-heart talk Adachi must’ve had with his Shadow in canon after the handshake thing happened.





	Over The Edge

**Author's Note:**

> I had a somewhat rough spring this year and it is totally to blame for all these moody short fics. This thing here is from May and feels like it's finally the end of the 'series'.  
> 

The handshake was somewhat limp, but Adachi didn’t mind. He wasn’t in the mood for demonstrating his confidence, strength, and whatever else handshakes used to convey in the city. Had he been forced to be even more honest, he would’ve had to admit he barely ever felt any of these emotions in himself anyway. But especially, not at the moment.

“Please, visit us again,” the gas station attendant smiled at Adachi after releasing his hand.

 _‘You’re the only gas station in this godforsaken place. Where_ else _do you think I can go?’_

“Thanks,” Adachi put on a polite smile. “Will sure do.”

He got inside his rented car, closed the door, and started the engine.

The very moment he drove out of the shopping district, Adachi felt a sudden sharp pain in the head. With those few hours of sleep he’d had the night before, because of the move, a headache wouldn’t have been such a weird thing. But the feeling was a whole lot different from what he was used to call a ‘headache’.

Adachi squinted, trying hard to look ahead on the road, but the raging headache was growing more intense by the second, making it unbearable for him to even keep his eyes open. Holding the wheel with the right hand, he pressed his left one to the temple and dug his fingers in the hair and skin, as if trying to claw the pain out. The attempt backfired, and he felt another tormenting pang that seemed to have pierced right through his head.

Groaning in agony, Adachi made an abrupt turn and pulled the car to the side of the road. Thanks to the dead countryside traffic, this move had absolutely no consequences. But even if it’d had, he would’ve hardly been able to care.

Squeezing his eyes tight, Adachi was digging the fingers of both hands in his head, filled with the loud sound of his own rapidly pulsating blood.

_‘..Wouldn’t it be fun to just kick the bucket ‘cause of some brain attack right after being transferred to the sticks, huh?..’_

In the back of his mind, he realized that the tangible risks of his own death evoked neither fear nor any sort of other emotion in him. And this realization itself didn’t make him uncomfortable in any way.

Excruciating pain cut through his head again, drawing another groan from him, and then shut all his thoughts and senses down by rendering him unconscious.

 

***

 

After he slowly opened his eyes, Adachi saw nothing but thick white fog surrounding him. The agonizing pain in the head was gone though, and he was so relieved he didn’t even care about the rest. He tried to look around, but the fog was dense enough to only allow him see the fingers on his own hand when he stretched out his arm.

“So am I dead now or what?” he muttered. “Is the afterlife just an endless blind wandering around here then, huh..?”

“Wouldn’t be that bad, would it?”

Hearing a voice behind his back, Adachi turned around and froze at the sight of something that must have been his own reflection, but seemed to have the will and mind of its own.

“Surprise,” his other self grinned and tilted his head. “The last person you’d ever wanna see, right?”

Same yellow raincoat on top of a simple white shirt. Same mess of bed hair he couldn’t have cared less about at that ungodly hour he’d gotten up that morning. Yet a totally different demeanor and eyes strangely gleaming gold.

“Is recollecting your past life with a weird copy of yourself some sort of a pre-reincarnation procedure?” Adachi asked halfheartedly. “Because if yes, I’ll pass whatever the consequences are.”

The reflection snorted.

“ ‘Weird copy’, huh? Well, at least you’re not denying the kinship, I guess,” with his hands in the pockets of the same black pants that Adachi himself was wearing, the yellow-eyed twin made a step to the side. “And nah, if that matters to you, your heart’s still pumping blood there, in the real world. But that doesn’t make much of a difference, does it?”

The moment he learned that this wasn’t actually the afterlife, Adachi unwillingly caught himself not feeling relieved or even surprised. He felt no disappointment or regret, either.

He just didn’t feel anything about it at all.

“That lump of meat in the chest is redundant anyway,” the copy started to slowly circuit him. “It’s been full of aching holes for so long it’s better off turning into a hole itself.”

Adachi knew that the words his other self was saying had to sound disturbing to him, yet he didn’t feel even the tiniest urge to contradict them.

“Looks like collecting these holes is what our entire life is about, no? And to be honest, I think we’ve actually been ‘dead’ for quite some time already,” his twin scoffed. “I mean, all the expectations of ‘successful, prestigious’ adulthood we were raised with and worked so hard for? Destroyed,” he started to tick it off on the fingers. “Our attempts to find something exciting and meaningful in our job anyway? Pointless. All the efforts to close that cold case and feel at least some sort of accomplishment?” he sneered. “Hell, they backfired _so bad_ we’d been better off doing nothing!”

He leaned in to Adachi’s right ear from behind and lowered his voice.

“We worked our ass off for 4 years trying to break that case. Sacrificed our time and sleep. Put in so much energy without getting paid for even half of it. And then that one single slip – and we end up here, in goddamn Nowheresville. Not exactly the promotion we hoped for, is it?”

Adachi pursed his lips tight and didn’t respond.

“I don’t even wanna start on those hopes to connect with someone,” the copy leaned back and chuckled. “The way we were failing at this while at school and academy felt kinda bad, but we had the job to look forward to and hoped to get all the fulfillment from it,” he stopped right in front of Adachi again and smirked. “But when it turned out to be a major letdown too and we decided to try the people stuff again no one magically stopped leaving us behind like they always did!”

His lips still forming a thin line and eyes fixed on a grinning face of his other self, Adachi balled his hands into fists.

“The very first crush in the third year of middle school rejected us because she disliked the way we “looked down upon everyone around” – that basic defense stuff we might've been indeed overusing at the time, after the hell of the first two years. Then that blonde in high school, who just played around and backed down after we tried to explain that it wasn’t a game for _us_ and we – woah! – had real feelings. So crazy and unbelievable, I know,” he rolled his eyes upward and clicked his tongue. “Who’s next? The freshman-year girl who left us for another guy, then broke up with him and got back, only to leave us for him _again_? Damn, a real mess it was, right?”

Biting his lower lip, Adachi closed his eyes.

“I think I said that I’m-..”

“The one we met during the last academy years rocked, though,” the copy refused to listen. “Felt so good just to be around her that she almost made us believe in the pathetic ‘soulmate’ stuff,” he let out a theatrical sigh – and then sneered. “But in the end, she decided we weren’t enough and held her back from a better future or something, so she left for a friend of a friend. Hearing her admit she didn’t even like him much hurt like hell, eh…”

Adachi could already feel something in his chest and throat burn, making it difficult to breathe.

“And the last one was-…“

“Shut up,” Adachi cut him short almost on a reflex. The yellow-eyed twin suddenly obeyed and smiled, as if he’d expected that kind of reaction.

“Yeah, that wound’s too fresh, I know.” He shrugged. “But I just wondered why did we even give in, huh?”

“..I wanted to believe it’d work out,” Adachi muttered after a short pause, eyes fixed on a meaningless point in the air in front of him. “To keep stubbornly insisting that it won’t and ignore her interest seemed unfair.”

“Oh, so _now_ it all seems fair to you, huh? When she swiftly moved on and you’re shattered and thrown in this hole with nothing behind your back?”

Adachi hung his head and let out a sharp breath.

“I told you, I’m _not_ in for any recollections,” he reminded, voice growing sterner. “I don’t wanna get back to mulling over it. It’s all useless.”

“I mean, look at our life, huh?” his other self wasn’t listening again. “No career. No property. No friends. No girlfriend. Folks only care to occasionally send us a holiday card with empty clichés. We’re what, 27? – and we’ve. got. _nothing_.”

Adachi helplessly closed his eyes again and drew the lower lip between his teeth.

“Doesn’t this stuff frustrate you?” the mischievous voice sounded closer. “Is it what we deserve? Did we ever do something _so terrible_ to end up like this? Are we just completely wrong in some way?”

“Look,” Adachi slowly opened his eyes but didn’t lift his head and just stared into the fog surrounding his feet while speaking in a low voice. “You’re not saying anything new to me here. I’ve been asking myself these questions for weeks, months, and years and I _don’t know_ the answers. It’s _no use_ thinking about it.”

He felt his other self’s fingers dig in his left shoulder and give his body a shake, making him look up.

“I’m not telling you to _think_ about it,” the copy’s narrowed eyes bored right into his face from the distance of a few inches. “I’m telling you to stop being this disgusting, miserable weakling and _do_ something about it.”

“What _can_ I do?!” Adachi finally snapped as he shook the twin’s hand off his shoulder and raised his voice. “I _tried_ to make things different for myself! Hell, I tried _so damn hard_ and I still got _nothing_! Because in the end, the only thing in life you can struggle to control is your _grades._ And they don’t even _matter_ in the big picture of life, _no one needs_ them! Once they’re gone, you’re left out alone in the open and it’s all the matter of ‘luck’ and ‘talent’ – two things you can _never_ get no matter what you do and how hard you fucking try!”

The twin’s lips relaxed into a satisfied smile, but Adachi was in no state to stop and interpret it.

“I _can’t_ change what I’ve been dealt in life!” he went on, breathing heavily and drilling straight into the face of his grinning reflection. “It’s just hurt, and hurt, and _hurt_ all over again – with work, with people, with _everything_ that this ‘reality’ is made of! I’m sick of hoping and trying and getting pain in return instead of at least something that I want and am ready to pay for! So I’d be better off giving up on it all!”

To his surprise, his other self nodded contently.

“Right? What’s the point in trying any further? We’ll only get more hurt if we continue to play by the rules of this shitty ‘reality’.”

After catching his breath Adachi cast his eyes down.

“..If you’re me, you know that I’ve tried to end it, too,” he said in a much lower voice. “..I just don’t have the guts.”

“Hey! No-no-no, don’t get me wrong,” the twin followed up fast with his both hands raised up and lips twisted. “That’s the kind of stuff I absolutely despise you for, I’d never encourage _that_.”

Adachi addressed his copy a confused look.

“How else am I supposed to completely discard this world then?”

The face in front of him expanded into a sly grin that looked almost terrifying.

“You build your _own_.”

Even more confused, Adachi furrowed his brow and then glanced to the side, remembering about the place they were in.

“Yeah, much like this one,” his other self nodded. “Filled with the comfortable fog, where only certain life forms would be able to survive. The simplest and purest life forms that never hurt each other. That just _exist_ and don’t need or want anything beyond existing. No struggle, no failure, no pain.”

“..This sure makes it sound like the current world needs to be completely destroyed first,” Adachi noted warily.

“Well.. kinda?” his twin replied with a lopsided grin. “But hey, what of it? Why should we even bother with the world that doesn’t give a damn about us?” he knitted his brow too. “All we ever are to everyone in it is the past they cast aside and easily forget about – why sweat then? Why think of the future of the people who never give us a place in it anyway, no matter how we try? Why worry about their pain if that’s what everyone leaves _us_ with?”

Adachi pursed his lips again, finding no words in himself to contradict.

As if using this moment of ambivalence, his other self put both hands on his shoulders, leaned in, and pressed their foreheads together.

“There’s _nothing_ so wrong about us that makes us unworthy of at least some sort of lasting comfort. Hell, there are so many rotten jerks out there, who have it all,” he hissed. “And yet it’s us who are treated like trash all the time. Is that fair?”

“..No,” Adachi replied, tightening his fists.

“Everyone advocates that ‘just be yourself’ stuff,” the copy went on, “but if your ‘self’ isn’t born with some natural talent or charisma, that make you successful and well-liked, saying that cheesy line is the same as telling someone to accept that they’re doomed to suffer! What kind of a world is this?!”

“..A shitty duplicitous world with no balance or justice,” Adachi muttered through gritted teeth.

“And if this world obviously hates us, we have the right to make the feeling mutual, don’t we?”

“Yeah,” he said, eyes narrowed and voice crisp. “I’ve got full right to hate the world that only gives me pain. I‘ve had it with being some goddamn plank that everyone just feels the urge to leave a scratch on while passing by. If _no one_ cares about _me_ , then _I_ should care about _no one_ in return. That’s the only way to finally make things _fair_.”

“Exactly,” the copy agreed. “We’ve been putting up with everything this world threw at us and played by its rules for long enough already. Now we’ve got the chance to make our _own_ rules for our _own_ world.” He chuckled. “And if destroying everything and everyone in the meantime is the only shard of hope and luck we’re ever gonna get in this goddamn life, we might as well go for it! Right?”

His jaw set, Adachi didn’t answer. Anger, hate, frustration, and bitterness were all rising up inside him, filling him with restless energy, finally letting him _feel –_ but they still weren’t enough to force him to make a step and cross the line.

His other self patiently waited for a reply, then leaned back, sighed, and let go of Adachi’s shoulders.

“Well, I’m not asking you to give the answer right here and now,” he shrugged. “I’m just letting you know about the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and the gift you’re being given. Would be stupid to miss it, don’t you think?”

His head overwhelmed with all the thoughts and emotions, Adachi was still silent.

“Keep track of those feelings of yours, buddy,” the twin smirked and stepped back. “You’ve been suppressing this rage, pain and bitterness so much for so long you can snap any moment now. Although..” he sneered and made another step back, beginning to meld with the fog, “..maybe that’s exactly what will finally give you the necessary push, huh.”

One more step – and Adachi could barely see his copy’s silhouette.

“Until then, I guess.”

The very moment he heard the parting words, Adachi opened his eyes and found himself behind the wheel of his car.

He remembered every last second of his ‘dream’ – or whatever it had been – and could even swear he felt the stuffy fog stuck in his lungs. The words of his other self got branded into his mind and chest was heavy with all the emotions those words had stirred up in him.

Still dizzy, he slowly looked around to make sure the world he was in was the real one.

_‘..As if it matters. Nothing keeps me in this ‘real’ world, it might as well indeed disappear.’_

Realizing that it was his own thought this time, Adachi pursed his lips.

After a few moments, he glanced at the car’s digital clock and sighed: he only had a few hours left until he had to show up at the new station for the transfer paperwork.

Lazily, he put his left hand on the wheel and started the car with the right.

_‘..It was just a dream anyway.’_

 

***

 

Standing in front of a large TV of the Amagi Inn with his arm halfway in the screen, he just stared at it, speechless and unable to move. Yamano’s scream was echoing in his head, outvoicing all other thoughts and leaving his mind completely blank.

He wouldn’t have been able to give himself the answers to the possible questions anyway. He didn’t know why he’d decided to talk to her. Didn’t know what he’d hoped to hear. Didn’t know why it all had driven him this mad and didn’t know why he’d done what he had done.

_“You’ve been suppressing this rage, pain and bitterness so much for so long you can snap any moment now.”_

The words, pronounced by what seemed to have been a manifestation of those very emotions, appeared in his head as a mockingly useless and untimely reminder.

Dazed, Adachi pulled his arm back and stared at his hand – the one that pushed Mayumi Yamano inside the TV. It all looked, sounded, and felt bizarre, but his gut feeling was telling him that nothing good could be entailed from this: the woman was either doomed or already dead.

Dead by his hand.

A snort was the last possible reaction he expected from himself.

“..So that’s it, huh?”

Adachi stretched out his arm again and carefully touched the TV screen, making sure his hand could indeed pass through. When it did, he slowly drew his hand back, looked at it again, and could suddenly see blood dripping from the fingers down on the floor.

As he let out a nervous chuckle, the corners of his mouth curled up to form a crooked smile.

“.. _That’s_ the opportunity?”

Adachi chuckled a few more times before he yielded to a fit of quiet, shaky, and chilling laughter. He was unable to stop even after he covered his face with the hand drenched in the warm blood that only he could see and feel on his skin.

To the sound of this laugh, everything inside him was cracking and rupturing in agony, splitting and breaking apart into pieces, and then crumbling, burning, and falling deep down, with absolutely no hope to ever recover and rise from the ashes.

When the fit finally subsided, Adachi slowly put his hand away from his face.

“Well,” his lips shaped a grin and eyes gleamed eerie gold, “might as well go for it, I guess.”

His insides felt still, numb, and hollow.

He didn’t mind yet again.


End file.
